Fasolo, Mike: UNEMPLOYED: March 2005

I've been unemployed for a whole month now. 31 Days. Every single day of March 2005. And what have I accomplished in that time? Well, let's review, shall we?

I've slept late, rescued cats from trees and fought off crazy martial artists who broke into my apartment (at least in my dreams).

I've had life threatening bike rides, been rained on while walking and been to parties where the ladies were all over me.

I've crossed mighty rivers, seen tiny creatures and...uh...slept some more.
I've gone places no man has ever been. I've seen things no man has ever seen. And I've done thing that would have killed lesser men.

I've seen good friends come...and go. And even lost a few along the way.

I've been beaten down, driven mad, but risen back to stand tall and proud!

I've crossed this great land of ours from the snowy mountains of NY where I saw some old friends and family. And then crossed it again as I returned to the sunny land of California.

All in all I think I've accomplished quite a bit over the last month. Heck, I've done so much I haven't even had time to look for a job! And they say the unemployed just sit around all day and watch TV.

While I was in NY I began thinking about my trip back to California. I'd be leaving my family and friends again and I started to get lonely. So what do you do when you're lonely? You grab a teddy bear and give it a hug. The only thing I have that's close to a teddy bear in CA is Dorky Duck. But he has this whole "personal space" thing so that's no good. So, with no teddy bear waiting for me back home, I decided I should get one. And there's no better place to get a teddy bear than a custom made one at Build-A-Bear!

For those of you who don't know what Build-A-Bear is, it's a store with teddy bear parts. You go into a store, pick out what you'd like your Teddy Bear to look like and frankenstein it together.

Being unemployed I didn't have lots of money so I made a wish in the wishing fountain for enough money to buy a Build-A-Bear.

Most of these wishes are nonsense but this one came true! I looked into the fountain and realized the answer to the wish was right in front of me.

After scraping together enough change I marched up to Build-A-Bear and began to piece together the perfect teddy bear that would keep my blues away. I found everything I needed - arms, legs, hats, coats, buttons, shoes, patches, etc. I was about to take my bear to the nice lady at the counter so they could make it, when I saw a small door in the back of the store that said DO NOT ENTER. Usually I wouldn't enter, but I had a funny feeling that behind this particular door would be something that I could add to my bear that would make it the most perfect bear ever to be created. I quietly snuck in but when I saw what was in the room I was horrified!

Build-A-Bear is bears! Old bears come down a shoot and drop into this horrible machine that rips them to shreds so their stuffing can be used to make new bears! It was one of the most terrible things I've ever seen! To see the look on the faces of the bears moments before their eviscerated was almost too much to...uhh...bear.

I ran from the bear slaughterhouse screaming, "Build-A Bear is Bears! Build-A-Bear is Bears!" I wanted to get this word out to as many as possible about the attrocities that are happening in Build-A-Bear stores across the world. Not many people...and fewer bears know about it...but hopefully this will be a wakeup call. Build-A-Bear is bears!

So far the only one who has believed me was the big teddy bear that sits outside the chocolate store. When I told him the news he got really depressed.

We sat for a while and ate some chocolate while I listened to him tell stories of old friends of his who had simply vanished. Now he knows where they went. He said he will pass the word to his brother and sister bears. I just hope one day the deaths of old bears in this tragic way can be stopped.

Had a long day today. I've been up since 3am California time. I'm kinda stuffy and sniffly. And the first leg of my flight (Newark to Phoenix) ended with a kid that screamed for about 40 minutes straight. It sounded like they were cutting off fingers and toes with a dull knife. If I knew how to upload audio I would so everyone could hear just how terrible the shrieking was.

The second leg of my journey was better. I slept the whole way.

Unfortunately I don't have many pictures to show. Just one of the plane


and a few from my seat. I think we were somewhere near Arizona for this one.


I just liked the peaceful look of those clouds.

Hopefully they will suffice until I've got my California legs back and can return to my unemployed duties of entertaining the masses.

Well, my vacation time at the parents house in Tuxedo, NY is coming to a close. Tomorrow I will be flying my way back to sunny Sherman Oaks, California. It's been a good run here. Got to see the family again. Saw some good friends. Ate some good food. All in all I had a damn good time. But, since I have to get up really early to catch my flight I thought I'd fill this post with some pics of my trip - the sights I saw, the things I did and the good times I had.

See ya'll back in California!

Easter. It's a time of rejoicing. A time of giving. A time of family gatherings. A time to sit around, stuff your face and not feel guilty about it!

My easter was spent at my aunt's house in Suffern, NY. Yep, we love the family gatherings. We don't see enough of each other during the year so these gatherings are lots of fun. And being an Italian family, we love any excuse to cook massive meals and eat...

and eat...

and eat...

and eat...

But our day isn't only spent eating. We love to play games too. One of our favorites is "Put the Cousin on the Roof"

You have to be sure to pick the cousin who really can't get off the roof by themselves but one who won't scream and cry and get us in trouble.
Another of our favorites is "Lock the Kids in the Dog Cage"

This one is tricky because you have to convince them that it's fun and they want to stay in there. Sometimes they get a little upset so we have to bring out the cattle prod. They calm down pretty quick after that.
Then, after we're done with all of our games we sit down again to feast on The Easter Bunny.

Rabbit flesh is very tender so it can be molded into this "cake" We choose icing, jelly beans and licorice as toppings. But pretty much anything can be used.

After the food, fun and pleasant conversation it's usually time to go home. So we release the children, gather our things and say our goodbyes until the next big family gathering.

I hope all of you and your families had as great a time as I did this Easter!

Thanks Easter Bunny! Bok Bok!

After our escape from Sears, Buddy and I wandered around the mall for a while. He had to stop in the candle shop to pick up a pork roast. So while he was at the counter asking them for it, I took some time to look around the store and sample the delightful candle scents.

The first one I chose was Vanilla.

Mmmmmmm...vanilla. I would say it's the best smell in the world. Others would disagree with me, but they'd be wrong.

I looked around and found a HoHo smelling candle. For those of you that don't know what a HoHo is, you're missing out. It is the perfect food. Chocolate cake wrapped around a creamy filling, covered in the most wonderful chocolate.

Some people like to compare HoHo's to Yodels...ugh. It's like comparing Kelly Hu to...well, anyone else in the world.

There just is no comparison.

Anyway, the HoHo scented candle didn't really smell like a Ho-Ho but I decided to give it the taste test anyway.

I was duped. It didn't taste like a Ho-Ho either. So I moved on to a random sampling of odorous splendor. It was just a box filled with random candles. Well, I picked up the first and gave it a good whiff.

What a horrific smell! I turned the candle over to see what flavor it was. Infected ass with blood! That was the smell! Infected ass with blood! Good sweet christ! Who came up with that idea?

After that I was done with the candle store.

And thinking about that smell now is making me gag so I'm going to blow out the candle and go to bed.

I was at my parents house today and I guess they're getting kind of sick of seeing me wandering around in my underwear. How do I know this? Mostly because my mom said, "We're sick of seeing you wander around in your underwear. Why don't you go to the mall or something? But not a mall up here. Go down to one in NJ." So that's what I did. I went to visit the Paramus Park Mall down in Paramus, NJ. Paramus means wild turkey in some indian language. Really. To honor this they have a giant wild turkey being ridden by a small indian boy in the mall.

So I was wandering around the mall wondering what to do when I happened upon my good buddy, Buddy.

And oh the adventures we had! Our first stop...SEARS!
When I walked in I saw one of those riding carts that old people use to get around in. Buddy said it would be ok if I hopped on one cause I'm a lazy bastard so I did.

Except this one was bigger, more powerful and made a lot more noise. Apparently the store security people didn't like the idea of me riding around so they came after me. Being the good friend that he is, Buddy made sure I was well hidden.

After a few hours of hiding and dodging the cops I was tired. So while Buddy shopped I sat down to take a nap.

When I woke up I had to pee.

And when I got back I was a little mad. I told Buddy that I didn't think it was right of the sears people to kick me off the riding thingy just because they could. He said I could get even with them by stealing stuff from the store. Brilliant!


Luckily the mall is pretty big and mall security doesn't really care that much so we ended up getting away. It was so exciting!

Anyway, Sears wasn't our only stop. We hit many, many places in the mall. But it has been an exciting day and I'm a bit tired so I will save those other adventuers for another day.

Oh, and if you're looking for a Dora the Explorer playset or a craftsman shop vac, I think I might know where to get them.

Oh my god! Day 23 is missing! Where is it? Did it escape with Day 11? Is this the work of some serial daynapper?!?

Actually I would have posted on the 23rd, but as fate would have it Day 23 wasn't missing...I WAS! Yup. The weatherpeople called for some snow so I figured I'd take some nice shots to show everyone. So I hiked out to the road and took some shots.

Now, it's been a while since I've been home and seen snow so I decided to really enjoy it. I sat down in a big pile in my driveway to just watch and revel in the beauty of a snowfall. And then I fell asleep.

Yep. Asleep in a snowbank, in my parents driveway, during a snowstorm.

I awoke buried alive! I was under 30 or 40 feet of snow with little oxygen left, two broken legs, a paralyzed right arm and a hangnail on my left pinky. I was in bad shape. But somehow I managed to find my way to the surface and walk the 257 miles to the nearest hospital!

Actually my sister brought my nephews down early the next morning and when they saw me asleep outside they climbed out of the car and threw snowballs at me until I got up. Gotta love the little monsters.

Then I spent the morning shoveling snow and making snowmen.

Anyway, here's a few shots of the day after the snowstorm. I have a more but for some reason the server wouldn't let me upload them. So these 3 will have to do.

Back in the days before I was living in California and working at Robot Chicken, I would use my lunch hour to nap. Napping, I've discovered, is one of the most fantastic things a person can do during the day. Little kids are always taking naps. If they don't, they get cranky. Maybe if grownups took more naps they wouldn't be so cranky. Anyway, I hadn't taken a nap in a while so I figured I'd get back into it.
I climbed into my bed and was drifting off to dreamy land.

But for some reason I just couldn't fall asleep. I opened my eyes and saw this.

These are my nephew's stuffed animals. When I moved out, my mother converted my old room into the kids room. And what kids room would be complete without stuffed animals?

Anyway, no big deal. They've been there since I arrived and haven't caused a problem. So I rolled over and tried to go back to sleep. No dice. I couldn't seem to shake the idea that they were staring at me. It's silly, I know but I figured if I was gonna take a nap I needed to ease my mind. So I turned them around.

Much better. I closed my eyes and as I was drifting off again, I heard a rustling. I opened my eyes to this.

That kinda freaked me out, but I moved them back, rolled over and actually fell asleep. I woke up a bit later when I felt something moving on the bed...and on me.

Ahhhh! I threw the star bellied sneech off of me but it didn't matter. The other animals were already on me!

I shook myself free of the beasts and gathered them all up. They weren't gonna beat me. I wanted to nap! So I opened our attic and threw them all up there, locking it tight!

I took my nap without any further disturbances. Later, I ran a few errands, saw a few friends, came back and typed up this post. But as I was getting ready for bed I noticed something.

The attic was open!
I asked my mother if she'd been up there. She said no. I went up hesitantly and looked for the animals that I'd thrown up earlier but they were nowhere to be seen.
And now it's time for bed and I'm scared. The animals are cute, furry, and cuddly but apparently a little upset that I've been sleeping in their bed.

Tonight will be a long night.

I was cruising around online today and stumbled upon a modern art sculpture.

I have no idea who that kid is in the picture but he feels exactly the same way I do about "art" like this. It's not art. Now, I know you can argue, "Well, anything can be art." Whatever. Art is something that I can't do. I can do this. I can put a few pieces of metal on top of each other, give it some silly name and come up with an inane description of what it "really" means.

Things like this usually sell for hundreds of thousands of dollars, which to me is unbelievable and totally ridiculous.

But it did get me thinking. Since this is the type of "art" I can do myself and since I'm unemployed and could certainly use a few hundred thousand dollars I figured I'd start my own "art" gallery.

This one I call...Scoop, Melon Baller and Screw.

It shows the complexities of life, but also the joys involved in it. Each angle that it is viewed from gives the viewer a small but deep glimpse into the very fabric of their lives. Price: $350,000.

Toasted Orange

Time, space and dimension are all focused here and placed in one point of the universe. I spent years trying to figure out just the right way to express this idea of mine. Price: $415,000

Lifeblood

Technology. Plastic. A fake hand. We live in a world of wonder yet depend on plastic, a substance that destroys us, just as we waste our lives watching the flickering images on the television. This piece is meant to be a wakeup call to the world. Price: $500,000

Trapped

Water, encased in a bottle. It is like our lives encased in the cell phone. We need the water to live so we drink. We should take our lives back by ridding ourselves of the shackles of the cell phone. Price: $676,000

And finally...

The Finest Hour

Priceless.

I was watching one of my nephews this afternoon. He's 2, so we're about the same age mentally, which is good for both of us. Guess that's why we get along so well. Anyway, he likes to play hide and seek. So that's what we did.

Since I've lived in this house a lot longer than he's been alive I know all the ultra cool, super hidden, secret spots. But, since he's only 2, I really can't use all of them. So I gotta go with the ones that are good, but not too good.

My first choice was the ever popular behind the door.

He found me pretty easily, which was expected.
Then I hid behind a chair.

Again, not really "hidden" but he found it amusing.

Next I chose a spot that wasn't too super obvious and not right in his line of vision.

But kids are smart so he nabbed me again.

I wanted to make it a bit more challenging so I did the "hidden in plain sight" thing to see if he'd catch on.


He'd just walked by me when the dust in the lampshade got to me and I sneezed. Then he laughed and grabbed onto my leg yelling, "found you! found you!"

So I hid one more time. And this time I figured I'd make things a little more exciting. So I really hid. I curled up in a corner behind a chair. I saw his little feet pass once...twice...three times..."Mikey?" he called.

I figured I'd give him a little scare then we'd have a big laugh. So I jumped out...


Unfortunately a "little" scare to a 36 year old is a horrifically tragic terrifying event to a 2 year old. He stood still for about 1.3 seconds just shaking. Then he started to cry and scream and wail louder than I'd ever heard before. Real tears, real terror...I was in real trouble. Luckily I was able to calm him down before his mother got back.

But she did seem a little concerned with the new facial tick he picked up. Oops.

I've been in NY for 3 days now but my internal clock is still running on California time. So while everyone else is in bed I'm wide awake wandering the halls looking for things to eat. I was going through my parent's cabinets hoping to find some junk food but since I'm no longer in the house they only have lame things like dried apricots and stale chips and gum. Blah. I go digging a bit further and find a little slice of heaven.

Pistachio nuts! The greatest nuts ever created by god or man! And they're from California!

Both of my parents love pistachios, which is why I think I like them so much. Must be a genetic thing. I notice that the bag is still about half full (at least that's the way I like to think of it) so I figure I'll have a few. I sit down and start eating.

For those of you who haven't ever had a pistachio let me tell you they're filled with some addictive ingredient that forces you to eat more. And if you truly like pistachios the call is even greater.

A few turned into some.


Some turned into more.


And more turned into lots.


When I came out of my fugue state and was coherent enough to wipe the drool from my chin, I saw that I'd eaten almost the entire bag.


Hmmm...this wasn't something that would go unnoticed. But then I thought, "Wait a minute. Why does this have to go unnoticed? Mom and Dad may love pistachios but they love me more. Their food is my food. Their house is my house. They love having me home so me eating their bag of nuts won't matter one bit."

So you know what I did? I left the nearly empty bag of pistachios on the table along with all the empty shells and went upstairs to bed. Afterall, why should I clean up? I'm a guest. I'm on vacation. And I'm a grown up now so they can't yell at me. HA!

But a few seconds later I was back downstairs sweeping the empty shells into the garbage can and stuffing the bag way in the back of the cabinet so it wouldn't be noticed.

And if either of them ask me what happened to the pistachios I'll tell them the truth. My sister ate them.

Gonna miss you, Uncle Phil.

I went to church today for a funeral, which is never fun. (Excellent way to start off a story, huh?) This was the first time I'd been to chuch in a whole lotta years. Surprisingly I didn't catch fire upon entering nor did the church collapse on me nor did God come down and kick me out personally - although that would have been ultra cool. "Guys, guess what happened to me today? God himself put his boot to my ass and kicked me outta church!"

So since today was a sad day in church I figured today I'd hit you with my funniest, yet most disgusting church story. And since my uncle always loved a good story I think he would have appreciated this one. Unfortunately there will be no pictures of the action, which I think you'll be happy for. (For those of you with weak stomachs, turn away now.)

I can't remember how old I was but I'm gonna guess I was around 10 or 11. We were up at our summer place in Caroga Lake. It was a rainy Saturday afternoon and being saturday we had to go to church. The aformentioned "we" consisted of my mother, father, sister, aunt, cousin and, of course, me.

The church up at Caroga was pretty small and never really crowded but for some reason, this saturday, it was jam packed. Not only were all the seats filled but the aisles on either side were filled as well. I'm not just talking a few people standing in the aisles, I'm talking sardine like packing. The windows were closed because of the rain and all the bodies packed inside were making the church sweltering hot.

As usual, church was boring. I was sitting in the middle of my row next to my mother and sister not really paying attention when suddenly something caught my eye. I looked up and the crowd of people lining the aisles was being jostled from the front. The jostling continued through the throng of people until I saw what it was. A mother was pushing her kid in front of her through the people. The weird thing was that the mother had her hand clamped over the kids mouth.

"Hmmm...," I thought. "Why would the mother have her hand clamped over the kids mouth? I didn't hear any yelling or crying."

Just as they got to the row in front of mine I was shown the answer.
The kid stopped short, gave a little spasm and let loose a stream of vomit unlike anything the world had ever seen. Since the mother hand her hand clamped over the kids mouth the spew did the only thing it could - it launched itself out between the fingers in four compact, but super powered streams.

The vomit sailed over and into the crowd. People got pelted in the face, vomit rained down on people two, even three rows away, some tried to stand and get away but we were all packed too tightly. The mother removed her hand from the kids mouth and shook off a glove of puke that splattered on the walls and floor and anyone standing nearby. The kid gave another little spasm but this time the crowd parted like the red sea. No one got in the mother and kids way as she hefted the kid up and ran for the door. Unfortunately it wasn't quite enough. The kid retched again leaving a thick line of puke right to the outside doors of the church.

Everyone on that side of the church bolted for the door. Some of them did a little slip and slide in the trail of puke. Others clamped their hands over their mouths as they ran. Every window on that side was thrown open. I saw two people climb out the windows. Others were just leaning out to unleash their own stomachs. There were screams and shouts and yells as everyone tried to get as far away from the spew as possible.

All I know is that the image of the kid spasming and the vomit streaming out through the mothers fingers was locked in my brain. To this day I can still see it clearly. But back then it replayed itself over and over and over and over. That, combined with the tasty vomit smell, made my stomach flip.

My mother's a nurse, so puke doesn't bother her in the least. I, on the other hand, don't want to hear about it, see it, smell it or be anywhere within a mile of it. So mom looked over at me, I looked over at her, there was a brief pause and before I could even make the "oh crap, I'm gonna puke" face, she had grabbed my arm and yanked me up and over everyone in the row. I think my dangling feet may have kicked one or two of my relatives in the head but I'm not sure. Then she ran me outside. But outside wasn't much better. People were gagging and puking and running and screaming and yelling. Vomit trails were everywhere. Little splatters of puke lined the grass. Whole lakes of vomit sat on the sidewalks. Almost everywhere you looked someone was bent over puking or at least dry heaving. It was utter chaos.

My mother dragged me around to the corner of the church, safe for the moment from vomit city and said, "just take a deep breath." I did, and it helped for a second then I proceeded to throw up everything I'd ever eaten in my entire life.

Meanwhile, as all this was going on, the priest never paused, never faltered, never even missed a beat. He just kept right on talking amid the cries of disgust, shuffling, retching and people running for the door.

Now, another thing about my mother...unless there's a nuclear holocaust that vaporizes the church, she will always finish mass. She asked me if I was going to be ok, patted me on the head, then went back in so she could receive her weekly blessing even as nearly everyone else was fleeing the church.

I don't think I ate for a week or so after that horrific event. To this day I can't set foot in that church without seeing the image of the vomit streaming through the mothers fingers and splashing into the crowd. And, invariably, someone will always bring that story up sometime during a dinner conversation. "Remember the time when the kid puked in church and it sprayed out between the mothers fingers?" It still makes me queasy. But it is still always good for a laugh.

Ahhh...the good old days. Good times. Good times.

So here I am back in my old home town of Tuxedo, NY. And back in my old home.

Actually it's my parents home but you get the idea. I figured I'd give you a tour of the house.

This is the kitchen.

It was here that I first learned the value of always putting water in the tea pot before you put the flame under it. The teapot got superheated and actually started to melt the plastic handle, which began to smoke and set off the fire alarms in the house. Luckily there was no water but just a crazy loud beeping that could make your eardrums bleed. Of course there was also the burnt plastic smell that didn't leave the house for about two weeks. My parents got a big kick outta that one.

Gaze upon the Living Room.

To this day I don't understand why it's called the living room. It's usually the room that's only used when there's company so it gets the least amount of living of any other room in the house. Anyway, this is the room that my sister and I would run around in for hours while we listened to Johnny Cash records. Why? I have no idea. But at the time it seemed like the most logical thing to do. Johnny Cash is on - run around in circles.

The Family Room.

I have many, many fond memories of this room. Most of them involve me sitting on the couch doing nothing but watching TV for hours and hours and hours. That's pretty much what I would be doing when my father would come in from outside, stare at me and say, "You know, there is an outside world." This is also the place where my first girlfriend and I...oh, wait...the court order says I'm not allowed to disclose any of that information or go within 1000 yards of her, her family or anyone she knows. So, forget what I said. Ok, moving on.

My First Room

It didn't always look this empty. It had a bed where that chair is and, when I was younger, some posters of some of the hot babes at the times hanging on the walls. It also had a closet that I was terrified of until I was 19. I heard a story once about a serial killer who hid in a closet when I was about 7 and it scared the crap outta me. Of course, when I was a kid I had so much crap in the closet that it never shut completely so from 7 to 19 I never had a good nights sleep. After I hit 19 I just decided to keep the closet always open so no serial killer could hide in there. Brilliant. It only took me 12 years to figure that one out. Now the closet holds no sway over me...as long as I keep the doors open at night.

My Second Bedroom

This was once my mothers "work" room. Then it became my sisters room. Then it became my second bedroom. Bigger, better, smaller closet. Nice. Now it's my mothers computer room where she emails me the jokes that she gets forwarded every single day. In this room I learned all there is to know about video games, geeky computer stuff and fish sticks. (Sorry, can't talk about the fish sticks either.)

Put on your coats, we're moving outside. This the wall on the side of the house.

As you can see it's piled with snow because it's cold here and that's what it does. Anyway, my father built that wall. Took him 5 years and it runs the length of our driveway (most of which you can't see from this). He moved every one of those rocks, smeared every drop of cement and swore unbelievable amounts of times after he would drop said rocks onto his foot.

This is the back of my house. Look, kids...woods. Yep, actual woods with trees, brooks, bugs and giant boulders.

My friends and I from around the hill would spend many hours in the woods playing kick the can, flashlight tag and building forts, which usually would collapse after a good rain. It's also the place, in the winter, where I would become a daredevil and ride my sled from the top road, through the trees (which I often hit) and down to my yard. When I was feeling exceptionally daredevilish I would build jumps then ice the tracks up over night and literally fly off the hills. Mother always made sure to have plenty of bandages in the house.

What you're looking at now is a view from the end of my driveway up to the top of the hill.

All of my friends would ride up the hill, come down, circle around the driveway then out and up the hill again. How did we avoid hitting each other? Well, we had an elaborate system. If you were coming into the driveway you'd yell, "COMING IN!" And if you were leaving the driveway you'd yell, "COMING OUT!" Looking back I have no idea how we thought of something so advanced. This was also the hill where Margaret Harmon (who lived in the house on the left) challenged Johnny Antonak (who lived in the house you can't see up on the right) to a bike race. (And the crowd goes silent). Well, they got on their bikes at the top of the hill, someone yelled go, and they were off. It was a grueling race between two mighty combantants. Their little legs peddled furiously, each trying to out distance the other until tragedy struck. I can't really remember where things went so horribly wrong but Johnny ended up smashing his bike into a big rock at the bottom of our driveway (My father loves to build with rocks). He flipped over the handlebars, landed on our front lawn (luckily) and got the wind knocked out of him. Margaret was not so lucky. She wiped out and ended up sliding quite a few feet down the hill. She was up an instant later though, screaming and running home. A few days and a lot of bandaids later we were all riding our bikes again...but there were never any more races after that.

Thus ends my tales for tonight, dear children.

Well, today has been a long day that involved lots of flying planes, luggage, sitting around and a Dean Koontz novel. Also, let me inform you that I'm not writing this from my apartment in California. I'm writing this from my old room in my parent's house in Tuxedo, NY. Yep, I'm back home. And, since I got in so late (at least late for NY) I didn't stop to take pictures of everything. But I will. As soon as I'm able I'll be out snapping shots of the old home town and the house and, yes...even the snow!

So, unfortunately this blog has no pictures and isn't even funny or interesting or anything. Sorry.

But tomorrow there will be pics and you will be able to get a glimpse into my past - whether you want to or not.

Anyway, I'm signing off from NY.

This morning I got up early - 10:23am - because I had some very important business to attend to. If you didn't know today is March 15th! Why is today such an important day in the history of the world, you might ask. Well, besides being the infamous "Ides of March" - the day Julius Caesar was killed -
Et tu, Brute?


It was also the day The Incredibles was released on DVD!!

It's the super special 2-disk set with the all new animated short Jack-Jack Attack. (He's the baby). This was my #2 movie of 2004! (For the full list see hitormissmovies Top Ten section)
One of the first things I said in the theatre as the credits were rolling was, "When is this coming out on DVD? I must have it!" So I waited and waited and waited but it finally arrived today. I had to push my way through throngs of screaming children and irate mothers...but it didn't matter. I waited long enough and this movie was going to be mine! So let it be written! So let it be done!

Then that being done I returned home. I couldn't figure out what to do. Should I sit down and watch The Incredibles? Or should I keep it for a few days to build up the anticipation then watch it when I couldn't stand it anymore? I sat down, then I stood up and paced, then I sat down, then I got up and paced. What to do? What to do?

While I was doing all of this I started thinking about The Incredibles and how cool it would be to be a superhero. You get all those nifty superheroe powers and those cool costumes and get to save the world. And even if you end up smashing gigantic buildings and ruining entire towns it doesn't matter. That would be awesome!

I wanted to be a superhero!
And since I had nothing better to do...I did!!! I became...
Captain Ozonofas!

Defender of the weak! Helper of the helpless! Doer of exceptionally good deeds!

Now, I knew that being a superhero would be tough work. You can't just stand around. There are villains to capture. There are little old women and babies to help. There are good deeds needing to be done. So that is what I set out to do.

My first good deed was...doing the dishes.

(I didn't feel like going outside again. One trip per week is more than enough for me.)

I knew my roomie wouldn't expect this because I usually let them pile up in the sink until he can't stand it anymore and does them himself. But Captain Ozonofas is a good deed doer! He would do the dishes!

Ahhh...that felt good!

What next? Where was there helplessness I could help? I searched and searched and searched...and then I found it! A bug! In my room! (imagine that)

And it was desperately seeing a way to get back outside. (Actually I think it was either asleep or dead, but that's besides the point.)

I, Captain Ozonofas was there to help!

Spectacular!

I was feeling good, but tired. This good deed doing was hard work. I went back to the living room wondering where I could do my next good deed when I really started to feel tired. Black spots began to form in front of my eyes. I started to get woozy. I had to hold onto the counter just to keep my balance.

There must be a villain somewhere hitting me with a get-all-woozy ray...or something. But I couldn't see anyone. Then I felt myself falling...falling...falling into the darkness of oblivion! No! No! No! How could I have been overcome so easily? How...how...how...

And then nothing...

When I woke up a few hours later I realized what had happened. Apparently it wasn't a get-all-woozy ray. It was the plastic bag I had wrapped around my head. All those warnings your parents were always telling you..."Don't put that plastic bag over your head. You'll pass out and die!"...well, they're right.

Luckily for me when I hit the floor the bag slipped up a bit so I could breath again. Just took me a while to regain consciousness.

So that ended that. Captain Ozonofas had his adventures, did some good deeds and made life better for some.

But perhaps someday when there is a need...when someone helpless shouts...when a wrong needs to be righted...when a deed that no other can do needs to be done...Captain Ozonofas will arise once more.

(This time not with a plastic bag wrapped around his face)

I've been unemployed for two weeks now. 14 days. 336 hours. 1,209,600 seconds. That made me think. Since I haven't worked, I haven't gotten paid. I enjoyed getting paid. I"m a big fan of money...but I wasn't getting any money lately. And without money, I can't pay my rent. Without money I can't put gas in my car. Without money I can't eat. I like to eat almost as much as I like money. (If they made edible money it would be a nearly perfect world.)

These thoughts kept echoing through my head. NO money...NO food...NO money...NO food! I didn't know what to do. How was I to survive? What would I do? These questions kept taunting me and hounding me and plaguing me. I was being driven mad!


Suddenly I was hungry. This was no mere "maybe I'll grab myself a little snack" type of hunger. This was a ravenous hunger. It was as if I'd never eaten in my entire life and now my body wanted all those years of food at once! I felt as if I was starving to death. With no money I'd never be able to buy food again. NEVER! Then a plan hatched in my mind. I had food. It was here. And I needed to eat. Perhaps if I ate everything in the house then I wouldn't need to eat for a while again. Snakes do it. Bears eat a lot then hybernate. Catepillars go into their cocoons for weeks without eating. If they could do it so could I!

So I rushed out into my kitchen and grabbed the first thing I saw...a can of tuna. I tried to pull the lid off but it wasn't one of those pull tab type of lids.


I tried to smash the can so the lid would come up but they really make the cans pretty good these days.


I even tried gnawing the lid off with my teeth. But nothing worked!

Why me, God? Why me???

Then I noticed a tool I'd seen before.

It was somewhere deep in my memory. I couldn't think of its name but I knew it could help me. I picked it up and fumbled with it for a moment then it struck home. I pried the lid off, tossed it aside and feasted as I'd never feasted before.


But even when I'd eaten every last scrap of tuna in the can I was still hungry and the words NO FOOD continued to circle my mind. I must feast more. I must satiate the hunger! So I took every can of food I could find in my cabinet. I pulled them all down and opened them all. I didn't care if the expiration date was passed. I didn't care if it was something I didn't like. All I cared about was stopping the hunger.

So I ate and ate and ate and ate. For hour upon hour I lay on my kitchen floor eating everything I could find. And when there was nothing left to eat and my belly was bloated and distended far beyond its normal reach...I slept. Slept amid the chaos I had caused.


When I woke up a few hours later I felt kinda queasy. My roomie was in the kitchen staring down at me like I was crazy. He tossed me an envelope and said, "Your unemployment check came today." Then he walked away.

I dug myself out of the mess of cans and cleaned up a bit. I felt a bit ashamed at what I'd become for those few terrible hours. But then I shrugged it off and opened my check.

Woohoo! Money!

And where's the best place to go when you've got money to burn?

Weinerschnitzel, of course!! Chili Cheese Dogs, Mini Corn Dogs and Beer!

So yesterday I wrote all about my quest to find my missing Day 11. You saw from the pictures that I was climbing trees and lifting rocks and posting flyers and looking in dumpsters. I did a lot of exercise, especially with climbing the tree. And today I realized just how out of shape I am. In fact, I almost skipped todays post because of this...

That's me this morning at 9:45am. When I came home last night I just flopped on my bed and fell asleep. When I woke up everything hurt. Everything. Even my hair. And you know it's bad when even your hair hurts.

Whenever I would try to move, it hurt. I never realized how many muscles I have and don't use until this morning. So I decided it would be best just to stay in one position all day and see what happened. And that's what I did.

I stayed like that all day. I had a lot of time to think but most of the thoughts in my head were...."oh god it hurts!"

All this pain from climbing a tree. Can you imagine that? But this solidifies my reasons not to exercise. The first was when the fates made it rain on me. Now I get pain from climbing a tree. Well, that does it. No more. Exercise is just too painful and causes too much trouble.

About 12 hours later I finally managed to roll off my bed and crawl to the kitchen for some food and water. But even that hurt. So I'm just gonna crawl back to bed, flop down again and go back to sleep. Hopefully tomorrow it won't be so bad.

Have a lovely, pain free evening.

I was sitting down to write up all the craziness that happened to me today but as I looked back at my other days I realized there was a day missing. I remember once when I was a kid I lost a Tuesday, but those were the days when I was less responsible. And this was a Friday. No one loses a Friday. It's one of the most important days of the week. So where could it have gone? Did it run away? Did it get kidnapped? Is someone stealing all the Friday's so they can have endless days of fun? I simply don't know the answer. But I decided that I was going to find my lost Friday.

Day 12 - The Quest for Day 11

I began my search in my house. I tend to lose a lot of things in my room mainly because I"m a slob. So I thought I'd check there first.

I looked in my bookcase.

Nothing.

And under my bed.

Nada...(but that's a nice shot, huh?)

Then I checked under my bathroom sink.

Nope.

And under the kitchen sink.

Not there.

I didn't limit my search to my room. I figured it was such a nice day that if Friday had left on it's own, it would probably be out there.

I checked high.


And low.


I even checked in dumpsters.


But I still couldn't find Day 11. So I made up some flyers to post around town...



And hand out to people on the street.


I even plastered all the cars in every parking lot with the flyers.


I searched and searched all day, but I never found the missing Day 11. And I'm worried. If you have any information please contact me.

I was sitting at home today when the doorbell rang. My doorbell never rings so I couldn't imagine who it could be.

When I answered it I was so surprised. It was two of my friends!

Mr. Black Cherry Soda Bottle and Mr. Honey Bear!

I was shocked! I hadn't seen them in such a long, long time. I was so happy to see them!

We spent a long time just catching up. It was great. Mr. Honey Bear is working as an Executive Vice President for a major motion picture company. Mr. Black Cherry Soda Bottle is a Network Administrator for an Insurance Company. They've both been very, very busy and haven't really had any time to get out of the office and touch base. I understood perfectly. I've been busy myself. So it was cool.

Mr. Honey Bear had to make a phone call to his office just to check in.

You should have heard him on the phone with his secretary. He's a real sweet talker. A real ladies man. Go Mr. Honey Bear!

While he was doing that, Mr. Black Cherry Soda Bottle asked if he could use my laptop to check in with his network people. I said sure.

And while he was on he got a bunch of Instant Messages from some pretty cute internet babes. Mr. Honey Bear might be a ladies man on the phone but Mr. Black Cherry Soda Bottle is an internet ladies man.

While they were doing their things, I took some time to do the dishes. And when I was done with that I went back into the living room to see how they were doing. But they weren't there.

"Mr. Honey Bear? Mr. Black Cherry Soda Bottle?" I called.
They jumped out from behind the couch and tackled me.

Oh, you little scamps.

The rest of the day was very full as well. First, we took some time to center our chi. We meditated which was very, very relaxing.


We didn't want to go out and fight traffic so we decided to stay in. We wanted to play hide and seek...so we did. They found me pretty quickly, but when it was my turn to look for them I had some trouble. Mr. Honey Bear hid very well.


Mr. Black Cherry Soda Bottle didn't hide well at all.

But we all had a great time and a good laugh.

Then there was a book that I had been waiting to read for a long time so I asked if they'd be interested in joining me. They were more than happy to. We gathered around in a reading circle and I started reading to them.


We each took turns reading. Mr. Honey Bear took the reading very seriously. And it was very, very interesting the way he made the characters come to life just with his voice.


Then it was Mr. Black Cherry Soda Bottle's turn. He may not appear to be a funny kinda guy, but he is hysterical. He did a different voice for each character and made us all crack up.


After that we were a little tired so we decide to take a nap.


But when we woke up we saw that the day had gotten away from us. And it was time for my friends to leave. So sad.

But we had a fantastic day together. I'm so glad my friends were able to stop by.
I hope they can stop by again soon.

Today I returned to work! I didn't get paid. I did it out of the goodness of my heart! That's how great I am! I let them work me like a dog. I got them reference images, I printed out scripts, I organized files, I bought lunch, I cleaned up the mess the stuffed shark that took my place made. It was chaos in that office without me. But, even with just one day back I got it all on track again and things are looking up for everyone.

And now I would like to share a haiku about my experience at work today.

Going to work...YAY!
Squid testicles in the boat?
Paisley red cabbage

Yes, that about sums everything up.

I would also like to put up images that show how I feel.

who the hell is this guy and what's he doing in my blog?


And there it is. My heart on my sleeve. My soul laid bare. Now, the world has seen my soul.

Until tomorrow!

Laundry Day! Seems it comes along all to often. I'm waiting for the day when some company will invent self cleaning clothes. You take them off at the end of the day, give 'em a good shake and you're done. Hmmm...maybe I'll work on that in my spare time.

Anyway, I grabbed my laundry basket and headed down to the washer. When I got there and started throwing my clothes in I began wondering what its like inside the washer. I know there's water and bubbles and things get sloshed around...but what's it really like to be in there.

So I climbed in.


It was a tight fit and, unfortunately, I was running a cold cycle so it was a bit chilly. But it was a pretty cool experience. Did you know the water doesn't fill the machine all the way to the top? There's a nice little air pocket at the top...which was good for me otherwise I woudln't be here to detail my little ride. And that thingy in the middle of the washer doesn't just spin around, it rotates a bit, then goes backwards a bit, then rotates forward a bit more, then back again. If you get in just the right position it actually feels really good. By far, the best part was the spin cycle. It's like one of those amusement park rides that sticks you to the wall. Except this seemed a lot faster. I'm was screaming the whole time. Surprisingly the spin cycle got me really dry. Although it did make me dizzy. Like puke-my-guts-up dizzy.

As soon as the spin cycle stopped I climbed out of the washer.

And found a garbage can.


I was going to end my adventures there. But I still had to dry the clothes. Besides, I've always wondered why it is that you can throw a pair of socks into the dryer and only one will come out. This was the perfect opportunity to find out and tell the rest of the world.

So in I went.


The dryer had much more space. I could curl up in there nicely and I didn't have to worry about drowning. So I had that going for me. But it was a much more uncomfortable ride. I got lifted up, dropped back down, tossed to and fro...and burned! The dryer is freakin' hot! I did discover what happens to the socks though.

Apparently when the dryer gets going and all the heat has built up it opens a dimensional portal. The back of the dryer literally fades away and there's a strange sort of vortex that takes its place. As I was watching this, a little alien came through the vortex. He wasn't what you would expect from an alien...at least the ones those hicks from the ozarks are always talking about. He was perfectly round with four little arms and four little legs. He had three eyes and a very small mouth. And he was wearing a bowler hat. He stopped upon seeing me. We regarded each other for a moment, neither of us knowing what to do.
"Hello," I said.
He pulled out a Photon Cannon with an XP3 Mach 9 Accelerator and a Death Ray with a bunch of squiggly things coming out of it. I froze. He looked around, kicked me in the nuts, grabbed one of my socks and ran away. Little bastard. If it weren't for his far superior weapons of death I could have taken him.

This is my rendition of what he looked like.


A second later the vortex closed, the back of the dryer reappeared and I tumbled out all warm, fluffy and smelling like a fresh spring day.


One day I'll go back in. I'll find those aliens and all those socks they've been stealing over the years. And there will be hell to pay!

This is me at 7:29am, sleeping peacefully. At this moment I'm dreaming that I'm sleeping so I'm actually enjoying two sleeps for the price of one.


This is me at 7:30am as the alarm began ringing. I ignored it.


This is me at 7:32. The alarm is still going off. I'm still ignoring it, but I'm starting to get angry.


And this is me moments before I smashed the alarm clock to pieces in a fit of rage.


Now I have to go buy a new alarm clock. Crap.

But I did manage to drag myself out of bed, shower, eat and get everything ready for my joyful trip to the DMV. I checked all my documents – passport, smog check, NY license, insurance, NY registration, title…

Uh…title?

Title...?

Double Crap.

I went to my car and looked in there. Nothing. I looked everywhere in my room. Nothing. I looked everywhere in my roomies room (sorry Todd). Nothing. Then I thought about where I would put the title to keep it safe. Obviously I couldn't keep it with me. I would have given it to someone responsible; someone who would know it would be needed and put it in a safe place. And that person is…Mommy! But she's back in NY.

So I picked up the phone and gave her a call.

“Mommy?” I cried, when the phone was picked up.
“I’m sorry. We can’t get to the phone right now. But if you leave your name and number we’ll get back to you as soon as possible.”

MOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMYYYYYYYY!

That was the message I left. She hasn’t gotten back to me yet. So the trip to the DMV will have to wait for another day. Sorry.

Well, since I was up I decided I was gonna stay up and get something done today so I headed off to the Library.


I got in, found a nice quiet section, got all set up and got right to work.


Then the librarian came over and woke me up saying that my snoring was scaring the children and if I wanted to sleep I should go home. But I decided to stay and actually do some work. I'll update you on my progress later.

It was another nice, sunny Californian day today.

So I decided to go for another walk.
Yeah, I shouldn't tempt the gods because I"m sure they're always ready to throw some clouds my way and get me drenched again. But today they were nice and treated me well.

I went for a walk down Magnolia and saw this little guy/girl.
It (I didn't look that closely) is a true californian grasshopper because it was waiting on the sidewalk for the light to change. I was worried that if it chose to cross the street it would either be hit by a car or not be fast enough and get squished by some random person.

So I stepped on it.

I figured it would be best if it got smashed into the pavement by someone who cared rather than by someone who didn't.
And then I continued my walk.

I saw this fabulous site...

Yep. The LA river, which actually had water in it...even though it never rains in LA.

And this sign...

I stopped, figuring that I'd get 50% off my gut...but nothing happened. I might sue on the basis of false advertising.

As I was headed back to the apartment I got a call from Doug. He and his sister, Robin, were headed down to The Grove for some brunch and asked if I wanted to come along. "Sure," I said. And then I got a call from Tom and he joined us so we all headed down to stuff our faces with the wonderous foods at the Farmers Market.
I had a scrumptious meal of pancakes and orange juice. Tom had a pastrami sandwich. Doug had some weird combination of turkey, eggs, onions and whale cheese wrapped in a crepe (that's french for thin bread). Robin had a crepe with strawberries and another kind of weird cheese - chipmunk, I think.

But while we were there we saw J.K. Simmons (Schillinger from Oz, J. Johah Jameson from Spider-Man 1&2).

That's the back of his head. (No, it's really him!)

Then I went to see The Man of the House with Tom, which was actually pretty good. (Look for my review on Hitormissmovies.com).

And when I finally got home I saw my roomie's car was back so I poked my head into his room and saw this.

I didn't bother asking why he had a dead girl on his bed. I never do (and it's happened quite a lot) We live by the code, "Don't ask. Don't tell." It's how we keep things happy in the apartment.

Oh, and if you were wondering, I really didn't step on the grasshopper. That would have been wrong.

Instead I just pulled its legs off and left it to bake in the sun.

Tomorrow I take my trip to the DMV. I'm sure that will be a post everyone will want to read.

Until then...

Last night (Friday) I went to a party. I'm in Hollywood, unemployed and have nothing but time on my hands so I like to fix myself up and head out on the town! I decided against fixing myself up because then there would be women fighting over me, riots as I was chased down the streets and guys hurling themselves into traffic because they weren't me. And I don't need that kind of trouble.

There was a party thrown by the people at Cartoon Network at the Formosa. I figured I'd be on the list. Well, after crying, begging and pleading they still wouldn't let me in. I eventually pulled the old, "Oh my God...look over there!!" When everyone turned around, I slipped in. It's surprising how easy that old trick is.

Inside, I wandered the crowd, did a little schmoozing, deftly avoided the bouncers who were looking for me and found a booth where I could sit and eat my fill of free food. (They served a killer peanut butter chicken on a stick.) And as I was stuffing my face I was approached by two lovely ladies who seemed to be attracted to my masculinity, my fresh lemony scent and the peanut butter chicken smeared all over my face. Turns out the girls were sisters! Sisters, guys! SISTERS!

And that's all I have to say about that.

Ok...ok...ok...I knew them! Alright! I knew them! They didn't just approach me because of my lemony scent. I worked with them on Robot Chicken. Margaret - on the left - is one of our puppet makers. If you give her a spool of thread, a fig leaf and a mouse she can make perfect replicas of every person in Sweden (alive or dead). It's pretty amazing. And Sarah - on the right - is one of our animators. If you give her the same spool of thread, fig leaf and mouse she will run screaming from the room and come back with a blowtorch to destroy the fig leaf. (No one really knows why and she refuses to talk about it). But she brings the puppets to life on the screen for your viewing pleasure.

Anyway, I was enjoying my time with the ladies, when I was told that my car was gonna get towed. "Towed? But it's Valet parked." So I go outside and it turns out that my car is sitting in the same place that I left it over an hour ago, with the lights still on...and the keys locked in it! The Valet guy said, "You can't leave it there." I said, "I left the keys in for you to park it. I have the ticket you gave me." And he said, “the door’s locked.” I said, “It wasn’t when I left it.” He said, “yes it was.” "No, it wasn't" So that went on for about 10 minutes then he finally said, “We have a slim jim.” I said, "I don't want anything to eat. I want you to open my car!" (Come on, you had to see that lame line coming!" Well, they offered to open my car door...FOR A FEE!

Luckily my buddy Geoff had AAA and he called them to come open the door, which they did without any trouble. Yay Geoff! Yay AAA!

These are the valet parking jokers...BOOOOO!


Anyway, after that I went back in side for a few minutes, took a few more pictures for your enjoyment.


This is Cynthia, another of our fabulous puppet makers. And over her shoulder is another of our great animators, Ethan.


Scott Tom, our puppet wrangler. Watching him wrangle those wild puppets is a thing of beauty.


Margaret begged me to take a picture of her neck...I don't know why. And Sarah wouldn't stop poking me in the arm until I took a super close up picture of her nose. I think it may have had something to do with her doublefisting drinks all night.


Anyway, after all that fun I finally managed to drag myself out of there and back to good old Sherman Oaks where I walked into my apartment, flopped down onto the bed and drifted off to dreamy land.

Woohoo! Friday at last! Praise Jesus! I decided I was gonna get up and do some exercise this morning. So I went out for a walk. But it seems that the gods don't want me to become all thinn and svelt because they made it rain on me. This was no orinary misty drizzle. No. This was like the combination of a hurrican and a monsoon and a typhoon and another hurricane. It was a Hurrihurricoonphoon! And it was all about getting me wet. I was just far enough away from home where there was no shelter. But close enough so that I figured I could get home quickly and avoid getting too wet. That didn't work out too well. I got drenched, and laughed at my some small children behind a chain link fence who had umbrellas and rain coats. Curse the little ones!

So now I know better than to exercise ever again.

Anyway, since I feel the day had it in for me I decided I wasn't gonna leave the apartment at all. Sorry, no crazy adventures for me today. I’m just going to sit in my apartment and get some things done that I should have been doing all along. I'm gonna get back to writing my novel.

I’ve only been able to work on it here and there because that thing called “work” always got in the way. But now that I have some time I can really get back to it.

It’s an epic tale that spans generations and tells a story of battles and victories, chases and escapes, sword fights, champions, damsels in distress, sharks, monkeys, sharks eating monkeys, tragedy, death and a small child with the hiccups. It’s called…

The Crazy Ass Adventures of a One Armed Martian and his Space Ferret who Wants to rule the Cosmos from the Bedroom of a Little Kid from Earth.tm & © 1987

This is the cover.

And here's me, hard at work.


I'm over 18,000 pages into it and so far I've only written about the main character and his dog and his dogs family. I'll admit it needs some work but I think it's coming along pretty nicely. I'll be sure to keep you up to date on the progress.

But it's time I got back to work.

I'll try to update my progress later.

Sorry about the lack of updates this afternoon but, as you know, I was taking my car to be serviced.

My check engine soon light is on…and has been for months now. There’s nothing wrong with the truck but the light just won’t go off. Unfortunately I can’t pass California’s Smog check with the light on. So I have to take it into a dealer. They flip a little switch and the light goes off. They refuse payment because it’s such a small problem, they give me a donut and I go home happy. Oh and they also send Elisha Cuthbert home with me.

At least that’s the way it works in my perfect fantasy world.

But in the real world the little light actually means something. They did their initial checks and said it’s gonna take quite a while. Can I leave it overnight? I told them I didn’t have any other way home so they offered me their shuttle service.

They directed me to their underground garage, which was a little shady being that there were only a handful of cars there and all of them were different makes and models.


There I found out that this “shuttle” was an old man who smelled like fish, riding a bicycle that looked like it was made around 300 B.C. Having no other option and not wanting to walk the three blocks home, I chose Old Fish Man. I figured I’d sit on the seat while he stood and peddled, but I was wrong. The customer sits on the handlebars. I was a little concerned but Old Fish Man gave me a reassuring look.

I had barely gotten on the handlebars when the “shuttle” launched forward.


Before I knew it, we were out in the middle of the street headed into oncoming traffic! Car horns blared. Trucks swerved to miss us. Small children ran screaming out of our path. And Old Man Fish ignored it all and just kept going.

The whole way home he would giggle and say in his broken English “ringa ringa ringa.” Then he would reach under my butt like he was reaching for a bell on the handlebars…but there was no bell! And it’s hard to slap away a hand tickling your buttocks when you’re holding on for dear life.


The ride home was insanity itself but he did get me there in one piece. What I hadn’t counted on was the drop off. He slammed on the brakes and I flew off the handlebars. He said, “ringa ringa ringa” again, winked at me then took off back to the service station. When I got back into the apt I felt violated and had to take a shower, clothes and all.

Then I curled up with Dorky Duck and cried myself to sleep.

I just woke up which is why this post is so late. Hopefully tomorrow will be better…although I fear another ride from Old Fish Man when I have to pick up my car.

I’ll let you know what happens.

9:43

I was awoken this morning by a loud noise out the living room of my apartment. This was no ordinary creak or groan or rustling that an apartment is bound to have. It was a sinister noise, which could only mean someone was in my apartment and looking for valuables (little do they know I don't have any). I was prepared to stay in bed and let them find out the hard way that they were out of luck but then I thought "What if this is a wanted criminal? What if there's a reward?" And, being unemployed, I could certainly use a reward.

So I slipped ninja-like from by bed and tiptoed across my room, carefully avoiding the dirty clothes and piled up old food containers. I slipped out of my room and then, armed with a closet pole and my faithful duck, Dorky (who was smart enough to bring a can of WD-40 with him) I leapt out into the living room ready to lay the smack down on any would-be robbers.


Not only was there someone in my living room but a whole group of someones (someone's? some people? some guys?). There were lots of evil doers in my living room!!! Well, upon seeing me in my full battle mode, quickly bordering on bezerker rage, the robbers fled. A couple threw themselves out of the balcony, one ran out the front door, another climbed up the wall and vanished into the apartment duct systems. But the last stayed where he was. He smiled, thinking me easy prey. After all, my hairy chicken-like legs, my brown boxers and yesterday's dirty shirt do not strike fear into most. But little did he know that today he would learn that old lesson...Do not judge a book by its cover.

I dropped Dorky and whispered, "If you hear me screaming like a little girl, spray him in the face with the WD-40 and kick him in the nuts until he isn't moving anymore."

Then I attacked, twirling my closet pole like Jet Li on speed. But the man I faced was no novice. He deftly avoided my attacks and stepped back. Then he attacked like a whirlwind. I was forced back, barely able to block. But I held my own and when I saw an opening, I struck. The closet pole clipped him on the cheek, and a thin trickle of blood seeped out. He looked shocked. He touched the blood and smiled his evil smile. "Well struck," he said. Then he withdrew a crowbar, a gallon of cooking oil and a chicken, from where I don't know. That's when things got really crazy.

Flowers started falling from the ceiling, a dog ran through the living room shouting, "The phone is ringing. The phone is ringing." My mom appeared and asked me if I had on clean underwear. One entire wall of my apartment was sucked out into a black hole. Then I found myself riding on the back of a two seater bike with Kermit the frog riding down the PCH singing The Rainbow Connection.

And then I woke up.

Apparently I'd never slipped out of my bed at all. I had simply rolled over and fallen back to sleep. But I did decide to get up and check out the noise I heard before. Turns out a bag of recycling had fallen over.

So I made myself some breakfast and sat at the coffee table in my otherwise empty living room and played Smash 'Em Up for a couple of hours with some toy cars that were lying around.



Anyway, I have to go shower and then take my car in to get fixed - the real one not the toys. Who knows what crazy adventures I will find there!

8:40 am



My first reaction upon waking up and looking at the clock was “8:40! What the hell am I waking up this early for?” And as you can tell from the picture I"m not a morning person. But I couldn’t go back to sleep so I decided to get up. I was a little upset over not having to be anywhere but still being up before 11:00. But then I started thinking about all my friends who do that “work” thing. They’ve been up since at least 7:30 and are probably sitting in that hellish LA traffic on the 405. So I laughed at their misery. Ha Ha suckers.

Now, since I was up I figured I should do something productive or at least pretend to. So I took a good long look at myself in the mirror. My inital reaction was, "Where did all my hair go?" Because at one point in my life I did have hair - lots of hair - strong, noble, lustrous, shining, beautiful hair.



But those days are gone now. So we move on. My look in the mirror revealed a rather large bulge...but not in any place a bulge should be. My gut. Or rather, my big, fat gut. I can usually get by with sucking it in or wrapping a role of duct tape around it in the mornings, but I decided I'd try to get rid of it the old fashioned way - Exercise.

I didn't want to start out too crazy so I went for a walk. That took me across my apartment and back to bed where I fell asleep until a few minutes ago(12:00pm). When I got up again I made myself a breakfast of oatmeal, orange juice and dirty socks. And wrote up this post.


Now it's off to the unemployment office for an afternoon adventure.


Day 2 - Part 2 - 5:05pm

So I went to the Unemployment Offices which was a hellish experience.


After that I had to take a nap.


It was a very draining afternoon.

I did manage to rouse myself long enough to go to the post office. I had to mail a letter but was out of stamps so I decided to use one of their automated stamp dispencer thingies. I put in a $20. Now a book of stamps only costs $7.40. Can you guess how they gave me my change? In QUARTERS! All quarters...except for a few nickles and dimes. But All in Quarters.


So on my way home I saw an old lady with a walker in her front yard, looking like she needed help. "Hey Old Lady," I said. "Do you need any help?" Well, it turns out that her cat was stuck up in the tree. It's the truth! You hear about these stories all the time but never believe them. But it happened. So I climbed up the tree, grabbed the cat, who's name was flufferpickle (no joke - her grandson named it) and she gave me a cookie.

Yay Me!!
(Unfortunately I asked her to take a picture of me rescuing her cat...but she couldn't figure out how to work the camera. Old people...sheesh). Anyway, since the old ladies cat was rescued and she's already given me a cookie I couldn't get a picture of her or the cat. So I took a picture of the tree as proof!

.

Don't scoff. The tree was really high and it had these little prickly things on the branches and now I have an itching in my bathing suit area that just won't go away.

So after that ordeal I had to come home and take another nap.

And that about covers the day up till now.

What do people do when they're unemployed? The "working man" thinks that unemployed people just sleep late, sit around and watch TV. That's not entirely true. We do more than that...sometimes. Anyway, that's what this blog will be detailing.


My days of unemployment.

Should be fun.


So here we are in Day 1. What did I do today? Well, I slept late. Then I sat around and watched TV for a while. Then I went back to my former place of employment down in Santa Monica where I had lunch with my accountant. (It's always good to know about your money when you're unemployed)...and I got a free lunch out of it. So far this no working thing is awesome!


Then it was back home to do some laundry which has piled up over the last few weeks, as you'll see at the bottom of the page.


Anyway, as soon as I do something I'm sure everyone will want to know about I will post it here. For now, I'm off to put my laundry in the dryer.
Mike