Fasolo, Mike: UNEMPLOYED: April 2005

After reading my blog my friends will often come up to me, stare at me for a moment, then ask, "What the hell goes on inside your head?"

Well, let's find out, shall we? I believe going in through the ear would be the best place.

closer...

closer...

And here we are...inside my brain on a typical day. This is usually the first image in my mind as I wake up.

Then of course there's this one. What's more awesomer than a monkey in a diaper?

Ahhh, my beloved Bell. How I love you so.

Oh...yeah...well...I was young and I needed the money, ok?

My artistic talent astounds even me sometimes.

This one is with me a lot. About 23 of the 24 hours. Sleep. So wonderful and kind.

Yeah, baby!

And that's about it.
Oh, wait. I almost forgot....Awww...de booboo wittle kitty...

Something strange has been happening in my apartment. It's not one of those things that you can pinpoint right away. It took me a while to figure it out myself, but I finally did. Sneakers have been appearing mysteriously.

When I first moved in here there weren't that many sneakers. In fact, there weren't any at all. Sometimes I'd put my sneakers by the fireplace to dry them out or so the carpet wouldn't get dirty.

But now it seems like there are sneakers everywhere. I asked my roomie about them but he says they don't belong to him. So my guess is that we have a reverse thief. Either that or Santa is getting all screwed up on his timetable. The Santa theory doesn't hold water because we have one of those gas fireplaces.

It doesn't even have a real chimney. So I'm going with the reverse thief theory. Someone must be coming into our apartment during the night and leaving sneakers. Why? I don't know. But I do plan on finding out. Tonight I will stay up all night hiding behind the couch.

When he/she/it comes in, I will jump out and surprise them and get my answer!
I'll let you know what happens.

There are times when I can't sleep and I like to go somewhere quiet and peaceful and remote. Back in NY that was pretty easy. All I had to do was walk out my back door and there were some awesome woods I could stroll around in. Looking for a place like that the other night I just jumped in my car and randomly picked a direction to drive in. As usual, I got lost, but I did find one of the coolest places ever. And as I was sitting there a few friends came to see what was up. Luckily I had my camera and they let me take some pictures of them.

This was the best one. Pretty awesome, huh? Other than hanging in the woods with the wolves, nothing much happened. I'll see what tomorrow brings.

After being in the box for so long I decided to get out of my apartment. As I was strolling through my neighborhood I saw a family leave their house. They were laughing and smiling and having a grand time. "Hmmm," I thought. "I wonder what they do in there that makes them so happy." So I decided to find out.

I popped the lock with the help of a screwdriver - that credit card thing doesn't really work - and I went in. As soon as I got there I realized that they had a lot to make them happy. It was a fully loaded house. They had a nice computer.

A pantry full of pantry goodness - including Little Debbie Oatmeal Creme Pies, which I helped myself to.

And, most importantly, A 65-inch widescreen TV with loads of movies.

So I plopped down on their nice soft couch and watched TV for 6 or 7 hours.

I was just about to pop in a DVD I found hidden behind all the others called Let's Play Stain The Couch Part 5 when I heard a noise. It wasn't the family coming home. This was a noise from inside the house. I stopped for a moment and that's when they appeared. The Attack Cats.

Some may think that a pitbull or rotweiler are the best home defenders but they are nothing compared to Attack Cats. I knew better than to stay around. I dropped everything but the movie I was holding and bolted. I made it home safe and sound and wanted to write up the day to share with you all. Now I'm gonna go watch the movie to see what it's all about.

Like a chick coming out of its egg.

Like a butterfly coming out of its cocoon.

I burst forth into the world!

Fresh! New! Better than before!
My time in the box was well spent. It changed me. Tranformed me. Metamorphasized me. Now I am back.

LET THE BLOGGING BEGIN AGAIN!

I'm having a bad day. Nothing is working for me. And I'm not sure it ever will again. So I'm gonna climb into the cardboard box that is in my living room and never come out again.

I've mentioned my roomie Todd before - he's the guy who had the dead girl in his room. Yeah, that roomie. What I haven't told you is that he has two pets. A sock puppet named Marvin.

and a pet spider named Kilimanjaro.

I like Marvin. He's cool. Kilimanjaro, on the other hand...well, I don't like him so much. He's a monster. He's roughly the size of Peru. And mean. He jumps around and hisses and spits and will latch himself onto your face and sink his 12 inch fangs into your face and kill you just because he can!

Kilimanjaro is in a cage in Todd's room but it rarely stays there. Somehow he always manages to escape and find his way into my room where he will sit above my bed and wait to drop onto my face just as I wake up. Then he will laugh (yes, he will actually laugh) and skitter back to his room.

Anyway, I got kinda pissed the other day because Kilimanjaro did his face thing to me. Instead of screaming like a little girl and wetting my pants as I usually do, I grabbed him and threw him...out the window, over the balcony and out into the street. Which caused a little bit of a problem.

I felt kinda bad...mostly for the unsuspecting public that would have to deal with this rampaging menace so I set out to bring him back. It took me until night to catch up to him, which was pretty impressive being that I'm fat and out of shape. I caught a break when he stopped to terrorize a little kid on a Big Wheel playing in his front yard. I knew I couldn't herd this beast back to the apartment by myself so I looked around for something to help me. I spotted a tree off to the side and ripped it out of the ground.

I used the tree as a giant cattle prod and got the spider back to the apartment safely. Then I returned the tree to where I found it...although it didn't want to stand up again. So I just kinda put it back as best I could.

So things have settled down here in the apartment once again. After the tree/cattle prod incident Kilimanjaro hasn't really bothered me too much anymore, which I'm really happy about. Maybe one day we can become friends. And, if that ever happens, maybe he'll be able to tell me what actually happened to the little kid on the Big Wheel that day. I never did find out.

Oh well. Kid shoulda been faster anyway.

Someone is trying to rewrite my life! What? How can this be I know you're asking yourselves. But it's the truth. Someone is trying to rewrite my life.

I was sitting here wondering what glorious adventures I could take you on today. I wouldn't want to repeat myself so I was flipping back through all my posts. Lo and behold (I love that saying) some of my posted pictures have been altered! Not all of them and not many of them but some of them have been changed!

This is like revisionist history. Whatever they don't like they change, but they do it slowly, subtly, quietly. Then when the future generations read the history they think it's the only one. But it's not! It's false! It's a lie! I don't know who "they" are but I do not like them messing with my past!

Before you know it all the posts will change. All the pictures will show me doing terrible things instead of kind and fun things. Parents will start to protest my blog. Children will cover their ears and do that "yayayayayaya I can't hear you" thing when my name is mentioned. The name Mike Fasolo will be dragged through the mud and go down in history as one of the most hated, most feared.

Please don't let this happen. Keep my memory and adventures clear in your mind. Don't let "them" sully my name. Remember me for who I really am.

It was a hot night. The kind you can only get on the Louisiana Bayou when the temperature reaches over 100 and the humidity is double that...if you're lucky. Somewhere people were sitting on a beach sipping ice cold drinks as the cool spray from the ocean drifted up over them. But that was somewhere else and I wasn't there. I was here, in my apartment, on my couch. And it was hot. Too damn hot. And even with nothing on I felt like I was covered with a blanket that had been taken out of the wash before the spin cycle.

My name's Dorky. Dorky Duck. I'm a detective.

I'd been lying on my couch for hours, listening to the thoughts in my head. I didn't like what I was hearing either. My mind was racing like a freight train running down the tracks in the middle of the night blowing its whistle loud enough to raise the dead. And the only word the whistle was screaming...Delilah.

She was gone when I got home. Took almost everything we had...along with my heart. She didn't even bother to leave a note. Hell, why should she? If I was her I wouldn't have left one either. She was too good for me and I knew it. I just hoped...ahhh, what's the use of hope anyway? Hope can drive a man insane. Hope...

Lucky for me I never got to finish that thought. The phone rang.

It was Sgt. Williams. There was a body they thought I should look at. A murder victim. Right. Just what I needed to take my mind off my troubles. Someone worse off than me.

The victim's house looked worse than mine. Poor guy. His name was Reginald Brightwater Cumberbun a.k.a. Squeaky. A petty thief who was too stupid to quit. Police used him as a snitch sometimes. So did I. Guess he musta ratted once too often. Shoulda got out while the gettin' was good, eh Squeaks.

I surveyed the scene. No forced entry. Nothing broken. Nothing out of place. Victim didn't even have any marks on him. Didn't even look like there was much of a struggle. Only thing on the floor were a bunch of plastic spoons.

Plastic spoons. Right.

Ya gotta love the weird ones. Gotta love 'em.


(Tune in tomorrow for the further adventures of Dorky Duck as he investigates "The Case of the Plastic Spoon")

I was reading an article online the other day about how to make your brain work a little harder so you can get smarter. Besides the obvious things of quantum physics, crossword puzzles and brain translpants, it said that if you do things differently than you're used to, you get a little smarter. One example they gave was brushing your teeth with your left hand instead of your right (if your a lefty, brush your teeth with your left foot). Another example was driving to work by a different route.

Well, I figured if I did EVERYTHING the opposite of what I usually do, I'd get a huge jolt of brain power all at once and then I could relax and not have to think for a long time. So, this morning I began doing things the opposite.

I woke up extra early at 11:12, which is the opposite of my usual time of 12:11.

I got dressed, remembering to put everything on backwards.

Yes, even my underwear and socks. And walking around with everything on backwards is quite a challenge. But being smarter is worth it.

I usually eat breakfast in my room watching TV. But this morning, doing the opposite, I ate in the living room, standing up, using my left hand.

That got a little messy. I wasn't calling myself uncoordinated though. Today I was oppositely challenged.
Drinking was another matter.

After spilling about 12 glasses of orange juice I found out that the carpet just stays wet and sticky. Instead of telling my roomie I just moved the dirty couch over the wet spot.

Then I figured I'd get some writing done. I usually sit at my computer desk, but not anymore. Standing and typing with my opposite hands.

I got four full sentences written in just under an hour.

But then a real challenge arose.

I had to pee. Remember, everything is on backwards and if I stay true to myself I can't stand in front of the toilet. Well I finally figured out how to do it. I won't go into details but I will say it involved a length of rubber tubing, some anal lube and some pretty impressive balancing on my part.

I managed to make it through the entire day backwards and at bed time I wasn't gonna change. Under my bed, all the lights on, with the windows and blinds open.

I hope the extra brian cells are worth it.

I'm back! I'm back! I'm back! Thank all that is holy I'm finally back! You have no idea the ordeal I've been through. Some of you may have thought I didn't post on April 1st as an April Fools joke - Wrong! Others may have thought I got bored with this and just stopped - Wrong! A few might have even thought I couldn't come up with any thing else to write about - Wrong! The real reason I haven't posted is because...

I WAS KIDNAPPED BY ALIENS!!!

Friday night I was standing out on my balcony enjoying the fine Californian night air and looking up at the clear skies.

Suddenly my attention was drawn to a series of lights that appeared to be dancing in the night sky. Up and down, left and right, to and fro. I ran inside to grab my camera but when I came out again the lights were gone. I looked around for a little longer hoping they'd come back but they didn't. I was just about to go inside when the lights shot out from over my apartment building and hit me with some sort of teleporter ray!

Before I knew what was happening I found myself in some sort of alien containment holding cell surrounded by aliens! I couldn't make them out too well because they stayed in the shadows.

I was scared! So very scared!

All I could hear were garbled voices and strange alien words at first. They chittered on and on as I cried and cried. Then one of them approached and sprayed me in the face with something that smelled like day old cabbage. And everything faded away.

I'm not sure what happened next. I remember waking up the first time to find myself lying on some sort of operation or experiment table.

I briefly remember being poked and prodded - sometimes in very sensative spots. And even once or twice in the no-no spot. Then I was out again.

Later, I awoke again. I remember being covered in some strange alien material with even stranger alien devices all over my face.

I'm guessing they were analyzing my DNA to see if I could be cloned or replaced. Whatever they were doing wasn't very comfortable.

Their experiments continued on and on. I don't remember much and for that I'm glad. I do remember waking up once and seeing the canister they kept spraying me with. When they returned to me I jumped up and sprayed them. They screamed and I ran. I didn't know where I was going but I just kept running and running. I knew I had to stay hidden from them.

I made my way through their strange corridors until I came to what I would call the Control Room. I snuck in and took the alien there by surprise with my ninja like skills. Then I just started pushing buttons on the control panel.

I don't know what I did or how I did it but one minute I was standing at the controls and the next I was beamed back down to my balcony.

I didn't know it then, but I was gone for 3 days! Three days! Those bastards!

I know I'll never forget that experience. It will haunt me until the end of my days. All I can say for certain is that I'm glad to be back.

There's no place like home.